A (Long) Note About Bottle-Feeding

This is a rather personal subject but I sure wish that somebody had told me this before I was a mother:

Bottles really are the next best thing to breastfeeding. Bottles are not taboo, they are not dirty, filthy, or make you or your baby inferior. Bottles are a blessing and a great convenience. It was very hard to accept that my baby was going to be bottle fed rather than breastfed. Now not only do I accept it, but I am grateful that this is the way things have turned out.

FACT: Babies can live off of formula. And they will thrive. FACT: Bottles are easy. (Tip: just use one bottle. Wash it each time, and don't let dirty bottles pile up in your sink) You do not have to always be holding the bottle. Dad can. Sister can. Neighbor can. Babysitter can. And you can be there, too. Fully clothed. FACT: You can still bond with your baby. You will love her just as much. Nevertheless, breastmilk is more healthy. My doctor said that he sees a difference in the number of infections in breastfed vs. formula fed babies up to 6 months. After that he doesn't see a difference. This doesn't mean your baby will have an infection if she is formula fed. (And of course this opinion will probably change according to who you talk to. I'm glad I have my doctor.)

I was buying formula at the grocery store the other day. The cashiers very often make comments about how expensive formula is. This time I said, "yes, it is much less expensive to breastfeed." Then the cashier continued saying, "I had a roommate that said, If you do not breastfeed your babies I will never speak to you again!" (Remember that the cashier is telling me this while I am buying formula.) I responded to the cashier, "Well I hope that you friend becomes more understanding and tolerant because sometimes a mother can't help it."

Why do I say this? Why is it so important to me? Here's why:

Before we had our baby tons of people asked if I was going to breastfeed. My answer was, "Of course." Why wouldn't I? WIC especially promotes it with keychains that say "breastfeeding is best" and a poster that says something like "give your baby the best gift." I didn't see what the big deal was about, and why they had to promote breastfeeding so much. It seemed natural to me. (Later on I figured out why. Breastfeeding can be very difficult, and bottles are a great alternative)

A few people suggested that I take a class to prepare for breastfeeding. Okay. What could be so difficult about it? My mother didn't have difficulties, and I never considered that it could be difficult. I took the class and enjoyed it. It warned us of the millions of problems that come with breastfeeding, and taught us that many people do have to overcome some trials but do become successful.

And then the day came that Elizabeth was born. For over a half hour just after she was born she sat in the breastfeeding position but never attempted to extract any milk. Nobody was very concerned at that point - she would supposedly learn.

Over the next 2 days in the hospital we tried to breastfeed over and over again. Quickly feeding time became a time of torment for me and our poor baby. She would start crying and crying and would never relax. She didn't understand what was going on and it wasn't pleasant for her. She only ever tried to suck a couple of times, but that always included biting down (thus pain for me and no milk for her). She NEVER had a good meal at the breast. I cried with her.

Of course this is apparently normal. So our story is not unique yet. The nurses at the hospital were very helpful, and we felt like we progressed a little bit each time they helped. The nurses taught us how to help her learn to suck instead of bite, and they taught us how to do finger feeding, supplemental feeding, feeding with a shield, skin-to-skin, and other techniques that they showed us at the breastfeeding class. We went to the lactation consultant and she encouraged us more. It was tedious and slow but we knew it would be worth it.

The pediatrician noted that Elizabeth's weight had dropped. This didn't seem to alarm anyone, either. It happens to a lot of babies. The nurses suggested giving her a bottle, which I refused because I understood that it would be more difficult for her to learn to breastfeed, and of course I wanted her to have her mother's milk. We kept trying.

On the second day after she was born she still did not know how to breastfeed. While most new babies do loose weight, Elizabeth's weight had dropped to a warning level. Then people became alarmed. It got serious when the pediatrician said that Elizabeth would not be released from the hospital unless she knew how to either breastfeed or drink from a bottle. Finger feeding would not be sufficient. The lactation consultant was not happy with this, she thought that finger feeding was fine and better than bottle feeding. (This started the trend that EVERYONE we talked to about breastfeeding thought THEY were right and EVERYONE else was WRONG) But now that I look back I agree with what the doctor said. Finger feeding and supplemental feeding required two people, and unlike me, Morgan is not a stay-at-home parent. We would have resorted to a bottle anyway, but it was good that we tried it out in the hospital.

So they started bottle feeding her what I was able to pump. The lactation consultant worked with us for a long time and after no success she finally gave in to giving her formula. I cried. If the lactation consultant couldn't help us, who could?

As we were leaving the hospital the nurse asked me to promise to give her formula if she didn't get better at nursing. Of course I would - now that it was coming down to her health. My baby was hungry, and I could not breastfeed her. What would you do?

We got home and found that our pump was not good. (It is not worth it to save money on a cheap pump. Go for quality first otherwise you will end up paying more later to buy the quality pump. Ask around and you'll find this is true.) So I didn't even have pumped breast milk. Now my baby HAD to have formula. I was not able to give her what she needed. She would not get her liquid gold colostrum. I wept inside.

After getting a pump my baby drank from a bottle. We would always try to breastfeed first. She would cry, not knowing what was going on, being hungry. So then I would give her a bottle. Then I would try again. She still had no idea what to do at the breast. We continued trying all the little techniques and tools that we learned (which usually required 2 people). It was terrible.

So a few days later we went to WIC and talked to the wonderful breadfeeding support ladies there. They were so nice. They tried so hard. We sat for TWO HOURS trying to breastfeed. Finally after two hours Elizabeth got a few sucks in. Still not a meal if you ask me. So we were going to do an experiment. This was Friday afternoon. I was going to only breastfeed for the weekend - no bottles. Lots of skin-to-skin and hope. We left the clinic thinking that this was going to work out.

Friday night came. That night I sat with her for HOURS while she cried. Then she finally gave in and tried to suck a few times, never forgetting to bite. It seemed like she was getting something - after all she must have been hungry enough to do what she needed to do to get her milk. So she must have gotten something from me. Saturday and Sunday and Monday came.

On Monday we went and weighed her at WIC. She had lost almost a pound, more than 10% of her weight and had stopped wetting her diaper. So I learned that she had been starving all weekend. I was anguished with the thought that I had done this to my baby. She would really have starved before breastfeeding. I had failed at breastfeeding, even after trying all the techniques in the book. The WIC ladies gave in and understandingly said, "what's important now is for you to feed your baby." I became a bottle-feeding mom with the blessing of the lactation consultant and WIC.

The story was not over. If my baby was not going to be breastfed, I was going to feed her breast milk. I did not want her to get infections from not having breast milk. So I started pumping. I planned on doing it for 6 months. I knew others that pumped for months, I was sure that I could do that too.

After a few weeks I started hating pumping. I was bound to the pump for too long every day and couldn't sleep all night even though our baby already did. The worst part of it was that if I was in the middle of pumping and my baby started crying, I couldn't go to her - I was stuck to a pump. I shortened my goal to 2 months.

A while later I felt like I was loosing my mind. I cried because I wanted to stop pumping, I cried because I didn't feel strong enough to give Elizabeth her mother's milk that would protect her from infections, and I cried because I still continued to pump. We even tried to breastfeed again several times. Other people (trying to be helpful) would suggest going to a lactation consultant (tried that) or using a shield (done that) or doing more skin-to-skin (tried that) or volunteering to feed other babies (wow) or remember that others had to struggle too, or just try to stick it out for 3 months because it would be so much better for Elizabeth (like I didn't know). While these comments were meant to be helpful they made it harder because everyone figured we should be able to work through this. Most people (except a couple) did not understand that my baby would starve before she would drink at the breast.

Things finally turned around when Morgan and I decided as a couple to exclusively formula feed. Immediately I felt free from bondage. I was free to go to my baby when she needed me. I could hold her when she drank from her bottle and love her. I could sleep when my baby slept. I did not have to be embarrassed when others would come over and see the pump out or when their kids started playing with the parts. I did not have to wash the 20 parts of the pump every time I used it. Of course if a mother can handle it, it would be better to pump.

Now that Elizabeth is 4.5 months old she has been formula fed for about 3 months. She loves it. We love it. Bottles are sufficient for our needs and quite convenient. Elizabeth is happy and we are happy. It really is the next best thing to breastfeeding.

Next time we have a baby then we will try to breastfeed. After all it is better for baby. And we will try to work through the difficulties. If it doesn't work then we will simply resort to bottles without it being a catastrophe. But I will never starve my baby again.